DIY Table Slime

Ready to complete a DIY table project with me? I will warn you, and you will only need this warning if it is your VERY first time here, I don't know what I'm doing. I have made multiple things in my house but I just kinda jump in and figure it out as I go.

If you are a fan of the well-thought out DIY's, please move along. You won't offend me. This situation will not appear on Pinterest (unless the board called, "DIY websites to avoid like the plague").

The other day I realized my classy-to-the-max Craig's List table was getting basically a meal-sized portion of food stuck in the cracks at each meal. I would try to scrape it out each time but two things: gross and ain't nobody got time for that. Something had to be done though. The table was eating at least as much dinner as the children each night and I saw an opportunity to lower my grocery budget by filling in these cracks. So, off to the hardware store we went. No research conducted, nothing Googled. I simply shod my ducklings and we left. Surely anyone at the hardware store would be more of an expert than me, I reasoned. No need to put too much thought into it.

This is what I came home with: Not pictured, (and this is only if you feel comfortable with the current project and want to take it to the next level), add two small children with an intense interest in every move you make. Ready? Me either but let's go.

  • Put down the drop cloth. For Pete's sake you don't want to get shower caulking all over your kitchen tile or you'll have ANOTHER DIY project on your hands. We're not even sure we're living through this one yet.
  • Cut the tip off of the caulking. Make it an exciting event and try to get it to shoot into another room. Then the kids will run after it and you have 4.5 seconds to yourself.
  • Don your gloves. This is leftover terminology from when I was a nurse.
  • Squeeze the caulking into the large cracks and smooth it out with the side of the handy-dandy paint stick.  The paint stick was the tool of choice because I needed something immediately and I had nothing.  Until, that is, I saw the stick out of the corner of my eye.
  • "Let dry for 3 hours." I waited 10 minutes.
  • I decided to put some polyurethane on it too because this poor table gets beat up almost all day long.  At this point it would have been a great idea to clean the surface of the table. I might have done that if it had occurred to me. You may want to consider at least brushing the larger chunks of toast onto the floor before painting.  Hind sight is 20/20.
  • Paint with a "good" brush. There are various qualities of paint brush available: good, better, best. I found all these adjectives far too positive for the likely outcome of this particular project. I looked for an "eh" brush but they didn't have one. So I settled on "good."
  • "Let dry for 2 hours." I waited 35 minutes.
  • Add another coat and light flares around the table to keep the kids away. You don't want them to mess up your masterpiece...

Well, it didn't work, people. Shocking, right? The mixture never dried. It just sat on the table laughing at me. If this whole writing thing doesn't work out, I have a guaranteed recipe for slime: caulk and polyurethane. One day I might show up on your doorstep peddling my homemade slime. Hopefully it won't come to that but if it does, please be kind and purchase some. So, I painstakingly scraped all the slime off and did some sanding. I headed back to the hardware store and discovered something called "Wood Putty" which was for my "exact problem." Turns out that someone before me had cracks in their wood and made a product specifically for it! Who knew? Probably everyone except me. No matter, the cracks are no longer and now I know how to make slime. I still emerge a winner! I would love to hear a DIY disaster you've had. Let's laugh at YOU now!